in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
