You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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