I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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