I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
