thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
