Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
