I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
