some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
