After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm passing your future prison.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
