I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize