I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
