I got chris browned last night
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
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