I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
organizing the empties. That sober.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
