i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
