Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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