I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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