last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
