Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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