she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
from now on my penis is your penis
this boner is exhausting
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize