Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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