i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
