We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
