glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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