Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
