there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
