Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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