i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
