oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
