What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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