I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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