I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
