you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
