Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Even my vagina gasped.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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