First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
