I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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