I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
All I want is dick and wine.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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