Can Purell be used as lube?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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