upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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