How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
