Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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