Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
