btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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