please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
