At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
