i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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