ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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