im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
