Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
