My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
