sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
