Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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