I wish life had little blips of pornography
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
