Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
