I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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