non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
