Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
