Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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