did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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