ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
