No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Randomize
