You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Bring me that man meat
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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