In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize