Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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