i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
