Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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