This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
