My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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