don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
