I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
