I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize