I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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