Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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