Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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